Family jokes
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.
You have a father figure.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.