Family jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
Why shouldn't orphans get a phone?
They would get stuck in an app because they can't find the home button.
You know what’s traumatizing?
Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.
Help!
Why do orphans do so well in life?
When people told them "Go big or go home," they only had one option.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
What superhero will orphans never understand?
Homelander.