Family jokes

My sister and a basketball got certain things in common.

My sister's tits and ass are bouncy like a basketball.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?

He didn't come back with the milk.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

BlessedBrian's family reunions must be like a casting call for the Addams Family.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.