Family jokes

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?

He didn't come back with the milk.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

BlessedBrian's family reunions must be like a casting call for the Addams Family.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

You look too old to be living with your grandma.

Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

How to cure boredom:

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?