Family jokes
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
What do phones and orphans have in common?
They selfie! (It's because they don't have parents.)
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have a home page.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
Why do people love dating orphans?
Because they're always home alone.
If you're having a bad day, just slap an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Why can't the orphan go on a field trip?
Because he can't sign the parent's signature.
I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."
Orphans and Chinese people can’t play baseball. The orphans can’t find home, and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.
My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.
What did the lawyer name his twins? COURTney and CASEy.
Last night little Johnny went to his room and saw people hanging out there, little balls.
"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.
Bully: Ha, guess what?
Nerd: What?
Bully: You are adopted.
Nerd: At least I was wanted!
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
What sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!
What is Green and Red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)
What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?
One can support an average family.
Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Answer: The mosquito stops sucking if you slap hard enough.