Family jokes

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One of them gets picked.

How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?

He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.

When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

What does a transgender call his/her parent?

Transparent.

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

If you're ever bored, rape an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"

What is Green and Red and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)

What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?

One can support an average family.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

Why should you never give an orphan a phone?

Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.