Family jokes

Friend: You're adopted.

Orphan: At least I was chosen!

Friend: At least I was kept.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Your father.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

Why is the orphan so dumb?

Because he didn’t have parents to pay for it.

Yo mama so old when she farts, dust comes out.

What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?

Her dad always comes back.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

Me and your mom in the bed.

Your teeth split faster than your parents' divorce settlement.

Hola! This is when I pranked my mom! I took a fake lobster and put it in the toilet. The fake lobster was in your attic, used for lobster parties, but anyway, I put the fake lobster in the toilet, so when my mom comes in she will find it and overreact to it. Well, she did not overreact, she FREAKED OUT OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First she screamed and then she looked at it and she saw it was fake. laterrrrrrr that's the prankster!

What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

Why did your daddy not come back with the milk?

Because you have no dad because your dad never loved you.

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then remember I have a brother, then I feel better.

What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"

Please read all of it. I know it's long, please read all of it.

This dad heard his daughter praying. As she was praying, she came to an end: "Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning, the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just coincidence, so he carried on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." After he heard "goodbye grandma," his facial expression changed, and he went straight to bed. The next morning, the grandma died out of nowhere. The dad began to worry and continued on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad got scared, so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there. So that's what he did. When he got home the next day, his wife asked where he had been, and he replied back, "Sorry honey, I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: "Oh, you think you had a bad day? The mailman just died on the front porch this morning!" If you get it, you get it.

Why does an orphan cry when we say "ur mom?"

Because they have no mom.

A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.

The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.

After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."

Why can't orphans have iPhones?

Because they can't find the home button.

If Jeffy goes to an orphanage, he will die. How is he supposed to move?