Family jokes
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples get picked.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
When the card declines on child insurance.
Why do orphans have an iPhone 10?
Because it doesn't have a joke button.
What am I doing?
Your mom.
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they always return.
Your mom gay.
Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?
A. Denephew.
An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
Your mama is so ugly, she doesn't have to flush the toilet. She already scared the shit out of it.
Why are orphans bad at poker? Because they don't know what a full house is.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I got the joke from my brother.
Orphans are lonely.
The best part of working at an orphanage is you can give them family-size chips.
I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.
I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"