Family jokes
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.
What do you say to someone's mom?
"You mom gay."
Mommy, why is my name Brick???
Mom: When you were a little baby, a brick dropped on your head.
Mommy, why is my name Rose???
Mom: When you were a little baby, a rose petal dropped on your head.
Brick walks in, "Blagudnunag."
Where does Santa send his children to study?
The Elf-phabets.
What was Stephen Hawking's mother's name?
Ilean.
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.
A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.
My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.
My grandad killed Hitler. He was such a great man!
I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."
An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.
"I will see her in one week!"
A week later, he died.
I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.
My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"
Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because its uncles were all aunts!
Joe Mama!