Once I tried to catch some fog.
I mist.
This is a lot like anal sex.
You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"
The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂
Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it.
What's the definition of disappointment?
Running into a wall with a boner, but it only hits your nose.
Wanna hear a joke?
My life.
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.
Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
Want to hear a joke? My life.
My dad told me I'm a failure.
I failed a math test.
Good thing there's a pole outside my house.
What's worse than funny condom fails?
Jake Paul.
Wanna hear a joooooooke?
Your life.
The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
