Failure jokes

Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...

Health commercials be like:

Serious side effects can cause:

Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!

If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.

Question: What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?

Answer: He was left hanging.

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

Why did the gym close down?

Because it just didn't work out.

Why can't Tottenham open a restaurant? Because they have no silverware.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."

What did the screw say to the screw? We sure screwed things up!

I tried to catch fog today. I mist.

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They're both pointless.

Your life. That's all.

What are you good at?

Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

I will tell you a joke--your life.