What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
They're both pointless.
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.
Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.
Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.
Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.
What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?
You abort it.
I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
Apparently, rock bottom has a basement.... :\
Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.
Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?
Then there is me: My life.
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
When you start sweating after filling in "C" for the third time in a row.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?
A Disap point ment.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
