What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
I was at a milk store and ordered some milk.
They brought it over but spilled it on me.
I said that was a udder failure!
What happens when you suck?
You succ.
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.
Friend: What were the tests about?
Me: Japan.
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
I got rejected from art school today, so yeah.
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Once I tried to catch some fog.
I mist.
This is a lot like anal sex.
You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"
The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂
Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it.
What's the definition of disappointment?
Running into a wall with a boner, but it only hits your nose.
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.
Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.
