Emergency jokes
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
I wish 9/11 was in December because the poor farm fields.
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Fire Disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.