Eating jokes
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
What did 50 do when he was hungry?
58.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
A cannibal went to the dietitian, and he got told to eat more vegetables, so he ate a disabled person.
What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.
Would you like to eat some African food?
So would they...
So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)
Why can't Chinese play baseball?
Because they eat the bats.
Q: What do women and KFC have in common?
A: Once you eat the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Every culture has weird food.
Australians eat vegemite. The British eat haggis. The French eat snails. The Chinese eat dogs. The Americans eat their young siblings' private parts.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
"Mice Krispies!"
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?
He does not like roasted vegetables.
Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction after eating 12-year-old nuts.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of pizza?
Domi-nose.
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
Q: Why did the trans man only eat salads?
A: Because he is a "herbefore."
You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.