What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.
So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)
A cannibal went to the dietitian, and he got told to eat more vegetables, so he ate a disabled person.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of pizza?
Domi-nose.
While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.
We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.
Why can't Chinese play baseball?
Because they eat the bats.
Would you like to eat some African food?
So would they...
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
Q: What do women and KFC have in common?
A: Once you eat the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it would be a piece of cake! 🎂😂
What do cats eat for breakfast?
"Mice Krispies!"
Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."
She said, "Who's there?"
I said, "I Eat eat my mop."
She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
