Drive jokes

I can't walk, I can't talk, but I can drive a wheelchair.

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"

Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

Where did JFK go in his car? I am not sure of his intentional destination, but he did go everywhere.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.

The British: We drive on the left side of the road.

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*

The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.

The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

A: Why did Sally fall off the swing?

B: Why?

A: Because she has no arms.

Knock, knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Not Sally.

Joe was eating ice cream while walking on the street. He dropped his ice cream. Why?

B: I don't know, why?

A: Because Sally was driving the car.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.

What do autistics, women, and chinks have in common? They can't fuckin' drive.

What do you call a blind person driving a car?

Died.

I just threw some cigarette butts on the ground while I was driving.

I wasn't clean after this.

The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

A computer usually has a HARD drive. LESSON. No wonder they remember things.

Why did the little boy get hit by a car?

Answer: Because Sally was driving!