Dont jokes
Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.
People love you.
Don't die.
Why don't phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!
Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."
What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.
Don't trust the caption! it's a kiwi...
Student asks teacher, "If I throw an apple and noodles, which one will fall first?"
Teacher replied, "I don't know."
Then student replied, "Noodles will fall first because noodles are fast foods!"
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?
Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen, let's just hug it out!
Neona (😁): Agreed!
Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."
Isn't having depersonalization mean that you like the animatronics off of FNAF/Five Nights at Freddy's?
(If you don't know what depersonalization is, look it up.)
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
Why did Beyoncé say, "to the left, to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
Why don't rappers tell secrets?
Because they always spill the beats.
If you faked the moon mission, don't apollo-gize.
What did the orphan say to its parents?
"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"
They people: "No."
Papyrus: Sans, stop being a lazy Bones.
Sans: Why bro, guess you don't have the back bone to do anything, heheh.
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."
Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.