Dont jokes

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.

Yo momma so fat that she don't need a backpack. She keeps her things in her Lagrangian points.

Why can't bugs drive... because they don't have a LICE-ens...

BA-DUM CHHH!

Why can't orphans walk through doors?

Because they don't have a house to walk into.

Don't steal. That's the government's job.

What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?

There's none, they both don't age well.

I don’t get why Katniss was bitching so much in ‘The Hunger Games’ books. Ethiopia has been competing for years and I don’t hear any of them complaining.

Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”

Wife: “ok... what is it?”

Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”

Ur mum so fat that when she walked into a bar, they said, "Sorry, we don't sell food here."

Hey, people don't fly with suicide jokes.

In fact, they hang with them!

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t find home.

Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.

Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they don’t like dicks.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house looks like.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

Na, don't be mean to fat people. Oh wait, never mind, they can handle the weight.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?