Dont jokes

I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys...

Huh, I don’t recall ever eating a monkey!

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

A: It’s very delicious! Great! Fantastic!

B: Thank you.

A: People don’t speak when they eat delicious foods!

Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.

Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."

God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:

God: No, I don’t want to.

Why don't rappers ever become bankers?

Because they always break the BARS!

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

Why don't rappers struggle with geometry?

Because they have all the angles covered.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?

Because they don't have a Father's Day.

"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."

How do you disappoint people in Africa?

Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.

But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."

Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."

Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."

Teacher: "*stands up*"

Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."

When people say they get ho's: You don't get no ho's, the only ho's you get is in yo draws.

You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.