DOE jokes

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

Man A: "Is Google male or female?"

Man B: "Female, because it does not let you finish the sentence before making a suggestion."

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

What does the bee say to the fly?

"Buzz off!"

Where does a pianist go on vacation?

The Florida Keys.

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.

What noise does Sally like to say? Splat!

What does an orphan have that a homeless person doesn’t?

A home, but what does a homeless person have that orphans don’t?

A parent.

Why does America suck at chess?

They lost two towers.

What does a Mexican not like in their drink? Ice.

When does it rain money?

When there's a change in the weather.

Teacher: What does a cow say?

Susie: Moo.

Teacher: Good. Now what does a duck say?

Jimmy: The duck goes quack.

Teacher: Now what does a pig say?

Little Jonny: A pig says, "Get up against the wall, you black motherfucker!"

How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.

So in class, they were learning about where food comes from:

Teacher: So kids, where does bacon come from?

Student: PIGS!

Teacher: Correct. Where does mutton come from?

Student: SHEEP!

Teacher: And finally, here’s your homework.

Student: IK where that comes from!

A FAT COW! 😂😂

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!