DOE jokes
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?
"No, you hang yourself first..."
Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.
Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
Why did Michael Jackson die?
Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.
How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Memes
How many babies does it take to paint wheels red?
It depends on your speed.
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts!
Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.
How much does a hipster weigh?
About an Instagram.
What does Michael Jackson like?
Teabags.
Q: A guy walks into a bar, what does he say?
A: Ow!
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't want to be spotted.
How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?
Skelesore.
What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?
cornhub.com
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, she was electrocuted.
Why does Adolf hate golf?
He ended up in the bunker.
Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?
Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.