DOE jokes
Why does 9/11 only get a day, but Pride gets an entire month?
Because pride is a bigger tragedy.
What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?
Sells the wheelchair.
Where does a pianist go on vacation? The Florida Keys.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
Why does this always happen to me...
How does a blonde turn the light off after sex?
She closes the car door.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
What does a child molester and a Catholic priest have in common? They both prey at church.
Why does Royal Cola have more royalty than a queen?
Answer: It tastes better.
Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?
A. Crayons.
What does a pig call its dad... mom? 😂
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they just sit and cry in the dark.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
How does a computer spell "Autocorrect"?
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
What does a 90 year old's pussy taste like? Depends...
What does Mickey's wife drive?
A Minnie-Van!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's a silly question. Feminists can't change anything.