DOE jokes
What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
How tall does the grass grow in Germany?
Zis high!
What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
Yours.
What does an Asian say when his car tires burst on the highway?
"Some Ting Wheely Wong!"
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.
What does a pizza man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both scrape the cheese out of the box for a nice snack.
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?
The Western Front is domestic violence.
What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
He puts his PJ-Amazon!
What car does Hitler drive?
A Fuhrerri.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as you like. They can’t change anything.
Why does the Marine Corps have the best uniforms?
Because the Navy wants their bitches to look nice.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
What does the Catholic Church and Worstjokesever.com have in common?
They're both full of child groomers.
How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?
It depends how many bullets you have.
How does Helen Keller say "dad?"
I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.
White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.