My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
Doctors Jokes
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
Technoblade: Makes jokes about orphans while in hospital.
Doctors to Technoblade's dad: Sorry for your loss.
Technoblade: What do you mean?? I'm right here!!
Orphans found parents: Who's he talking to??
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?
A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.
Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.
What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?
A Panera med.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
What TV series do orphans hate?
"House, M.D."
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
