Doctors jokes

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

What TV series do orphans hate?

"House, M.D."

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.

The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?

A Panera med.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.