Doctor jokes

Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.

So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

I need a new butt. This one has a hole in it.

You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?

All they have is IVs!