Doctor jokes

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.

So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.

I need a new butt. This one has a hole in it.

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?

All they have is IVs!

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."