Doctor jokes

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"

A man walks in to the doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."

Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

Q: What do you call a rich Asian? A: Dr.

If LAUGHTER is the best medicine, BLESSEDBRIAN'S JOKES are the disease.

They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?

I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎

Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?

He'll have you in "Stitches"!

Why did the doctor tell the man to go for a mountain walk?

Alps clear the mind! Haha.

How does a woman scare their gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor threw you out the window, and the window threw you back.