Doctor jokes
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
What do you call a rapper who’s also a DOCTOR?
MC Healer.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?
A: He was in a mid-life crisis.
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
What's the best haircut?
Chemotherapy.
I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.
I need a new butt. This one has a hole in it.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind.
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.