Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
Doctor Seuss break up lines:
"One fish, two fish, blue fish, red fish, I'm breaking up with you, bitch."
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.
Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.
Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.
Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."
Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"
Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."
You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor threw you out the window, and the window threw you back.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
Yo mama so dumb, she went to the eye doctor to get an iPhone.
What's the most optimistic blood type? B+.
What disease causes wrinkled clothes? An iron deficiency.
DARK ALERT********
A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.
DARK ALERT********
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
Why did the bee go to the doctors?
Answer: Because he had hives.
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,
"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"
The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
It’s true women do make less money than men.
But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
