Didnt jokes

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

I didn't know that COVID-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.

I went up to the blind kid and punched him and said bet you didn't see that coming

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."

Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.

I tried dressing up as the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers for the office costume party.

It didn't land too well.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

One day, an orphan threw a boomerang, and it didn’t come back like its parents.

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.

I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.

Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.

Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?

Richard: No, I couldn't.

Richard's mom: Why?

Richard: Because he was cute.

On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.