My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."
what's the difference between hitler and you?
one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.
What's the difference between a Lambo and a boner?
Your sister didn't give me a Lambo.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."
My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
Why didn't Logan Paul high five the Asian man? Because he loves to leave Asians hanging.
I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
Helen threw up gang signs her whole life and didn't know.
What did the blind kid get for his birthday?
I don't know, he still didn't look.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
