Death Jokes

Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?

Getting your fingers stuck in there.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"

I don't like them white, pale, always talking about death EMO kids!

Sorry, I meant CHEMO kids.

It's good that Canada doesn't have the death sentence for treason anymore.

Danielle Smith is so fucking fat she'd get stuck in the gallows.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?

Fall Guys.

Q. What's an aborted baby's favourite type of humor? A. ...

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

I should probably stop making abortion jokes.

After all, the aborted babies aren't laughing.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

Why did the suicidal person cross the road? He was waiting for a car.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?

A. An ambulance.