Death jokes
Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.
Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.
Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
They unplugged the wifi.
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. 💀
I'm gonna jump to my death.
Don't worry. I won't jump far.
Just off this chair here...
Why did Queen Elizabeth the II die?
Because she ran out of immortali-tea.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
How do you make a plumber sad?
Kill his family.