Death jokes
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
Memes
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
They unplugged the wifi.
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
Why did Queen Elizabeth the II die?
Because she ran out of immortali-tea.
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. 💀
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
How do you make a plumber sad?
Kill his family.
Digging stuff up is too hard.
I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.
My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.