Death jokes
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.
At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide
Me: Aren't they the same thing?
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?
In hope to find a mummy.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?
Because he's dead.
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.