Death jokes

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

(l=====8

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

My dad died in 9/11. At least he did what he loves best: flying planes.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

What's red and in a corner?

A baby with a razor blade.

What's green and in a corner?

The same baby three weeks later.

How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Coff- na, jk, bleach.

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

My parents are like the Twin Towers, only one came back.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

It's a grave mistake to talk badly about the death.