Death jokes
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
Girl: I've been an orphan since I was three.
Boy: Knock knock.
Girl: ...Who's there?
Boy: Not your parents!
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.