Death jokes
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Memes
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.
What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?
Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)