Death jokes
I intern at an orphanage that burned down this weekend with 30 kids inside.
Thankfully, I don’t have to call and tell their parents.
What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What do you call a burning orphan in a wheelchair? Hot Wheels.
What hit the ground first, the orphan or the apple? The apple. The orphan never hit the ground.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
I asked an emo kid if they were jealous because their phone died before them.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?
A bath bomb.
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
Why do orphans die young?
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
When I die, I’ll die in a trash can.
Corpses aren’t funny—they’re dead serious.
Cremation is my only hope for a hot, smoking body.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
Why did 10 die??
Because he was in between 9/11.
Why did Techno die?
They broke his bed.
What kills you?
Suicide.
If mom saw you, she would die and be happy because of you being ugly.
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only once though, and only for 20 seconds...
what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?
Panera dead.