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Death Jokes
Queen Elizabeth died a couple weeks ago. I'm still trying to find the reboot catd.
A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.
At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.
Teacher: "Ok class, what animal jumps the highest?"
Kid: "A leopard."
Quiet kid: "No, it's emo kids. Some of them are still in the air."
Kid: "Broooooooooooo."
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
We don't joke about orphans unless they have family. Then we assassinate the family.
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
If you're here for a cheap laugh about suicide, I'll give you some real killer jokes!
Autoerotic asphyxiation because hanging in there can be hard.
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?
When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
