Death jokes
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
I want to die.
What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?
There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
What's the same about dark humor and kids with cancer?
They never get old.
I love my family when they're buried alive.
I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.
"Let go of my nose!"
What were Princess Diana's last words?
Have you been Dri...?
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Why did the skeleton not cross the road?
Because it did not have the guts.
I was eating this girl out the other day and I tasted horse semen... I looked up at the girl and said “that’s how you died, grandma!”
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
What first went through Sally's mind when the Nazis came? - A bullet.
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"