Death jokes
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of dead babies.
A student was peeking in on a 10/10 chick, and the guy was about to nut.
The school shooter patted his back and told him to leave his corpses alone.
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.
Did Jesus die virgin? Nope, he got nailed before he died.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I've never heard them.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I never knew them.
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
You're dead inside.
(Stabs him 23 times)
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
Q: What were my son's last words before he died?
A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."
I was going to kill myself, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?
They said, "Allahu Akbar."
What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"