Death jokes
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
Necrophilia in Alabama is fun for the whole family, even grandma.
What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a red Ferrari?
I don't have the Ferrari.
What's green and smells like ham?
Kermit the frog's fingers.
I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!
Q: How did we learn cats don't land on their feet?
A: We asked Mufasa from the Lion King.
What's better than a pile of dead babies?
One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
I guess you can say he xxxpired.
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over? A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die? A: Because the koala landed on it.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 9 because my basement is still dark.
What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?
Mufasa.