It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
What's black, white, and red?
A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
I don't like it when people make jokes about 9/11, because we lost 19 great patriots that day.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
Go commit neck rope.
What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?
I don't eat the fruit.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Bully: You're gonna die.
Me: Hurry up then.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.
