Death jokes
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
I'll slit your throat and kick you in the gut till you die one time.
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.
The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose.
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stranger.
Stranger who?
Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
Alahu-Akbar.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
Me: Cobain!
Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.
Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.
What’s the difference between a pile of corpses and a Mclaren P1?
I don’t have a garage.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
Scientist time travels into the year 2024.
Scientist: So, what happened with the storming of Area 51?
Pedestrian: Oh, you mean The 51 Massacre?
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."