Why did the skeleton not cross the road?
Because it did not have the guts.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
What first went through Sally's mind when the Nazis came? - A bullet.
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"
During the election campaign of 2012, we heard about Obama, but we thought they said Osama. So I told my friend, "Grab his gun and let's have some fun." So during one of Obama's campaigns, we both shot him to death, which lasted a while.
Then my friend said, "Let's go get piss drunk at Mavericks bar." Then on TV they talked about Obama's death, and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Don’t you just wanna hang around, like Chester?
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
What's 10 inches and makes women scream?
Cot death!
How did I kill Georgee?
I snatched her boat! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.
What hood do zombies come from?
Dead Ends.
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
