Where can you find a list of dead astronauts? In the orbituaries.
Death Jokes
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.
David: I will surpass Kakarot!
Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke...
I decided to abort.
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
Why did the skeleton not listen to the rules?
He was "bone tiba wild."
Q: What is the difference between a dead body and an orphan?
A: The dead body had a family.
I can't sleep, that's because you're dead.
Why did the baby cross the road? Because he wanted to die.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
Kid goes to the kitchen.
Mom: What are you doing here?
Kid: Just checking out the knife.
Mom: So you've chosen death.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trashcans.
Yo mama is so huge, when she was born everyone died.
If I worked for Edexcel, I'd give Caroline Flack an A* for her physics experiment.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
