Death jokes

What hit the ground first, the feather or the depressed kid?

The feather, the rope was stopping the kid.

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...

Dad: You're adopted.

Son: Where are my real parents?

Dad: >:D They are dead, now come to their grave and sleep there.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

Part 1: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.

Part 2: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.

Part 3: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.

Part 4: Guess what... two men were walking down the way when the second one fell in the sewers and died... The first one was lonely.

Haha, dead.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

You wanna hear a suicide joke? Nvm, it didn't make it.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

I was looking forward to some toast...

So I took the toaster in the bath with me.

So Kobe Bryant walked into a bar, just kidding, he's dead and his fame went spiraling out of control.

What are they going to say about Tim Gunn in 20 years?

He kicked the bucket.

What is yellow and can’t swim? A school, but full of drowning kids! 🤣🤣🤣

Why did Billy kill himself with a TV remote?

He wasn't even REMOTELY close to being happy.

Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的

The first guy: What's 他妈的?

The Chinese: Fucking.

The first guy chooses death.

Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...

The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.

Second guy: I choose 他妈的.

The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!

Joker: Knock knock...

Batman: Who's there?

Joker: Not your parents!