Death jokes

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he died.

Did you hear about the new drink commemorating Princess Diana?

It had nine shots and seven chasers!

@ Kobe the person under my joke, your hairline is so bad that Kobe Bryant could've lived if he landed the helicopter on your forehead.

What is the world's strongest material?

The tree that Paul Walker hit.

Me die.

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Yo mama so fat, when they buried her, they named her Everest. Mount Everest.

I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.

If a girl jumps off a cliff, some people call it suicide and some call it girl power, but I call it BULLSHIT.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a bus.

I ran over three disabled kids.

"Cripple kill."

Q: How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

A: You give them a Sandy Hook.

People should build orphanages next to graveyards so at least orphans can see their parents.

What does RIP stand for on Maddie's head stone?

Raped in Portugal!

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.