Dead jokes

What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.

Dogs say woof.

Cows say moo.

Idiots say, "The site will be less dead when school starts again!"

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

What do you call a person whose heart stopped?

Dead.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

What’s an Emo’s favorite exercise?

The dead hang.

what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?

Panera dead.

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

My mum found a chest that was wet, and it had a child in it. She asked me what it was for. I said I put kids in it and chuck it in a river until they are dead.

What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?

They're both dead...

Why did the clown stop smiling?

Someone chopped his lips off.

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."