Dead jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It doesn't matter, he's dead.

What do you call the longest reigning monarch?

The queen? No, she dead.

Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

What do you do when you see a naked dead girl?

Check your map, you're obviously going in circles.

I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.

Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.

Is Stephen Hawking a physicist now?

No, because he is dead.

What do you call a person whose heart stopped?

Dead.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

A fish is dead, who do you call? Aquaman!

Women be like chivalry is dead, then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.

Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"

Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."

I'm dead serious about Kobe: Kobe in heaven...

My dog died today. 😥

So many things are going through my head.

How am I not dead yet?

The walking dead.

The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.

Friend 1: Did you?

Depressed friend 2: I didn't!

Friend one: Swear on your life!

Depressed friend 2: I swear.

A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.