Dead jokes

Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.

What do you call a person whose heart stopped?

Dead.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

What do you call a dead black plantation worker? Fertilizer.

Women be like chivalry is dead, then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.

Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"

Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?

What kind of streets do ghosts haunt?

Dead ends.

Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?

His arse.

What do you call a dad without a dad joke?

Dead.

Friend 1: Did you?

Depressed friend 2: I didn't!

Friend one: Swear on your life!

Depressed friend 2: I swear.

A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.

So many things are going through my head.

How am I not dead yet?

My dog died today. 😥

The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.

The walking dead.

How many terrorists does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thin you slice them.