Dead jokes

Is Stephen Hawking a physicist now?

No, because he is dead.

I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

What do you call a person whose heart stopped?

Dead.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Why did the T-Rex not clap when you won a prize?

Because it's dead.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

Bruh, the cops just arrested a black dude...

Well nvm, they shot him dead.

What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?

A dead person does not walkie or talkie.

What do you call a dead black plantation worker? Fertilizer.

Friend 1: Did you?

Depressed friend 2: I didn't!

Friend one: Swear on your life!

Depressed friend 2: I swear.

A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.

So many things are going through my head.

How am I not dead yet?

I'm dead serious about Kobe: Kobe in heaven...

My dog died today. 😥

The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.

What is a necrophile's least favorite game?

The Walking Dead.

The walking dead.

Women be like chivalry is dead, then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.