Dead jokes

What do you call a dead black plantation worker? Fertilizer.

A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."

What do you call a person whose heart stopped?

Dead.

Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.

Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.

what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?

Panera dead.

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

My mum found a chest that was wet, and it had a child in it. She asked me what it was for. I said I put kids in it and chuck it in a river until they are dead.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?

They're both dead...

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

Why did the clown stop smiling?

Someone chopped his lips off.

What’s an Emo’s favorite exercise?

The dead hang.

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.