Dead jokes
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.
Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It doesn't matter, he's dead.
What do you call the longest reigning monarch?
The queen? No, she dead.
Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.
I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.
What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?
...
I'm still trying to think of an answer.
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
Is Stephen Hawking a physicist now?
No, because he is dead.
What do you call a person whose heart stopped?
Dead.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
Friend 1: Did you?
Depressed friend 2: I didn't!
Friend one: Swear on your life!
Depressed friend 2: I swear.
A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.
Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?
Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.
What has 4 wheels, no wings, and flies?
A dead cripple.
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
Why did the T-Rex not clap when you won a prize?
Because it's dead.
Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.