Day jokes

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?

A period.

Why is arson so fun?

IT'S A FIRE ACTIVITY!

HAHAHAHAHAHAPAHAAHAHIIRTAASIISISISHRNHHTHTHTHHNHSHSNIHTAHE

Day 83 of being trapped in þis room. I made a language. I call it hertof. I speak wiþ þe walls now.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?

About nine months and a day.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

BlessedBrian must have been born on April Fools’ Day... because he’s a joke every day of the year.

If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

Why [does] a tranny say "Have a good day" to a Jew?

He [is a] goy.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Cyber Monday

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Why was the dog so stressed out?

It had a ruff day.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.