Day jokes
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?
Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Memes
What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?
The mailman goes home at the end of the day.
Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.
Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.
And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.
They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.
There should be a "kick an orphan" day.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.
Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?
1. Listening to your teacher.
2. Not having your phone/game/TV.
3. Not having nicotine.
Why can an orphan never get picked up?
Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL