Day jokes

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.

The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."

There should be a "kick an orphan" day.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

One day I met a blind guy and I said, "You should see Mt. Cheaha!"

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...