Day jokes

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

I told a cookie a joke the other day.

It just crumbled.

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.

The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

There should be a "kick an orphan" day.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.

What day does Venus like?

SATURNday.

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."