Day jokes

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

One day I'm walking and I saw Josh B. He's sucking balls and Marco jump[s], and we got [an] earthquake, and I say, "Yamate."

Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!

What day does Venus like?

SATURNday.

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

I told a cookie a joke the other day.

It just crumbled.

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.

One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."

"Shut up, Brick!"

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.