Day jokes

What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?

The mailman goes home at the end of the day.

What country has been the hottest in recent years?

Sri Lanka, they had 3 bombs in a day!

Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!

One day I'm walking and I saw Josh B. He's sucking balls and Marco jump[s], and we got [an] earthquake, and I say, "Yamate."

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

What day does Venus like?

SATURNday.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

I told a cookie a joke the other day.

It just crumbled.

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?

Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."

"Shut up, Brick!"

My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.