My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
One day a kid walks up to there mom and asks whey is my name daisy? The mom's reply is because when you were born a daisy landed on your head. The second kid asks why is my name butterfly? The mom's reply is because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head. Then you hear ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf. Shut up brick!
my teacher asked me what my favirote number was yesterday and i said 2977, i chose 91 for my football jersey number and sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher mr jacksons dad died in 9/11 and when he was talking about it friday the 9th i threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting monday
Foxy the fox the was a careless fox she didn't care about her friend Froggy Froggy was a careful frog One day froggy dicided to teach the fox a lesson Foxy was in her bed sleeping When froggy made her room an entire mess She got up and then the mother berated her up for not cleaning her room From now she is a careful fox
one day my dog died because we couldn't find him then we got a cat on the same day then my cat went missing and when I was crying we heard are Asian neighbour was having a party then we went over and i saw my dog and cat on the grill and they eat them. in front of me saying yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well.
A man had moved to a new contry with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there telling he wanted his dog to be groomed. The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours" so the man left and came back a couple hours later when he asked about his dog he was given a box of jerky he found out "happy dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
One day, there are Friends having fun, hours later one of the friends Alice, wanted to leave and say *cya guys am just gonna hangin in the tree and have some fresh air* and they all agree hours go by and the group of friends are ready to go home but then seen a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! please help, please help!"
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon) found my self at the same stop.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of there lives.
Me: Sorry I couldn’t make it to school yesterday, I had an appointment. Teacher: What kind of appointment?? Me: I had an appointment with a cut day😈😈😈
True story
I heard that the numbers on the front of your credit card represent the number of minutes until you meet the 💕 love of your life!💕 and the 3 numbers on the back represent the month and day you make it official!! comment those numbers to lock it in!!😄
