One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Day Jokes
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24 hours, so they just called it a "day".
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."
Build a man a fire, he will be warm for a day. Give him some Tfox merch, and he will be on fire.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
My friend had no school because of heavy snow.
Guess you could say it was a snow school day!
Are you a lightbulb, cuz you brighten up my day?
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.
The other day a man with some cheese and milk attacked me... how dairy!
I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.
In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
