Dating jokes
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
Michael has canceled his upcoming dates. They were Tommy, age 9, and Bobby, 11.
My ex.
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend said "Hi."
I said, "Knife to meet you!"
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.
If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.
If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.
What’s the difference between a brick and redheads? Bricks get laid.
I dated a German girl, it was very annoying when she kept on screaming her age and moaning.
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.
How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?
"Wanna hang together?"
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, two of them are for you.
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!