Dating jokes

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

At least someone who is gay/Carter has someone.

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

Hey, this is to orphans:

"Orphans are ugly. We need to know each other :D We need to date, cause ur hot and so am I and orphans rly are ugly!!!!"

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

Dating a girl and studying mathematics, both give a headache.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

What dating app do people in Alabama use? Ancestry.com.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?

"Wanna hang together?"

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.