Dating jokes

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.

Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?

Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.

Man: Shit!

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

Your hairline goes back so far, it dated Zeus.

This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 9.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Why can't I get a girlfriend?

Because I'm a beta male simp.

At least someone who is gay/Carter has someone.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

Hey selfish king, I see you need a girlfriend ;)

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"