They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
The W in Africa stand for water
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag
One is made of plastic and bad for kids the other one holds shopping
What's the similarities between dark humour and cancer
It's funnier when kids get it
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
What’s Queen Elizabeth’s pickup line?
You’re breathtaking!
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Found this girl in Hawaii.
Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."
(this is not mine credit goes to the grim joker)
What does a baby and a grenade have in common? They both make noise after you throw them
What were the balloon's last words to his Father?
"Watch me, Pop!"
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
In Syria, there are no Walmarts, only Targets.
Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.
Orphan: How come?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
Orphan: . . . .
What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
"the floor is lava!"
- everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
