My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
Dark Humor
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.
Why don't we have female magicians?
'Cause the last ones got hanged.
My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.
I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
The "W" in Africa stands for water.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One is made of plastic and bad for kids; the other one holds shopping.
What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?
It's funnier when kids get it.
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
What’s Queen Elizabeth’s pickup line?
You’re breathtaking!
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Found this girl in Hawaii.
Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."
What does a baby and a grenade have in common?
They both make noise after you throw them.
