I went to the principal's office because I gave a deaf kid ear pods for his birthday.
I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.
What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on makes it off the roof.
I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.
55. I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
16. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
Why can't homeless people be gay?
They don't have a closet to get out of.
Why can't Juice Wrld play Black Ops II?
Because he can't handle 6 perks.
This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!
